Here I am Lord, send me

After this long night, it will be the time for my now annual checkup to make sure my body is doing a good enough job housing my donor liver and that nothing has turned hostile.

Today is the day I get to remember what’s actually possible and how grateful I am that it hasn’t occurred. …yet…

Every 6 months, I need to get a CT scan and labs done to ensure my body is still cancer-free. We look at organs, tumor markers, you name it – just looking for anything we can find to be wrong.

No matter how much faith I have, how many people I have rooting for me, no matter how much strength I can muster to get through each day, every 6 months I am left in a place I’d rather not revisit.  After all, it wasn’t but a little over 2 years ago when on this visit, I found out a tumor plagued my liver and I’d be instantly put on the transplant list.  What a difference an afternoon makes.  Oh, how ignorance is truly bliss.

The what’s and when’s replay in my mind even when I shoot them down. The statistics of recurring tumors and cancer and even kidney failure as a result of my medications… So many complications wouldn’t be a surprise. I’ve given up on sleep tonight.  I usually handle this better – much better – but lately, I’m just sick of being the patient.

Yet I know even if the worst did happen, I’d get through it just like I got through the past 20 years of sick and surgery and struggle. I’d get through it with my God and the wonderful people He has put into my life.

Aren’t we promised we have nothing to fear? Then why am I curled up in fear pleading with God to knock me out or let the Ativan kick in

This is uncensored real life, everyone. Sometimes there’s just no point hiding behind the wall.  This is me, and when you, God forbid, get to a similar point in your life, you’ll understand.

Please pray for me today for…
1) the stamina to get through a grocery list of tests and appointments
2) kindness when it’s the hardest
3) God’s will be done
4) I maintain an open, accepting spirit. “Here I am, Lord, send me.”

 Kelly Clarkson: Up to the Mountian

Oh, this is what it feels like…

I love you all and pray this away from each and every one of you. ❤  Please pray I get through this, one day at a time.

Casting Crowns – Glorious Day (Living He Loved Me)

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises One day when sin was as black as could be Jesus came forth to be born of a Virgin Dwelt among men, my example is He Word became flesh and the light shined among us His glory revealed Living He loved me, dying He saved me And buried He carried my sins far away Rising He justified freely forever One day He’s coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain One day they nailed Him to die on a tree Suffering anguish, despised and rejected Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree And took the nails for me ‘Cause living He loved me, dying He saved me And buried He carried my sins far away Rising He justified freely forever One day He’s coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day One day the grave could conceal Him no longer One day the stone rolled away from the door Then He arose, over death He had conquered Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore Death could not hold Him The grave could not keep Him from rising again Living He loved me, dying He saved me And buried He carried my sins far away Rising He justified freely forever One day He’s coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day Glorious day One day the trumpet will sound for His coming One day the skies with His glories will shine Wonderful day, my beloved one bringing My Savior Jesus is mine Living He loved me, dying He saved me And buried He carried my sins far away Rising He justified freely forever One day He’s coming, oh, glorious day, oh, glorious day Glorious day, oh, glorious day

FFH – Stop The Bleeding

This song is a beautiful song written by and performed by Christian artist FFH, now  husband and wife duo Jeromy and Jennifer Deibler.  Please go to my blog to read their family’s story and Jeromy’s personal struggle with illness.  Their journey, and how they let God work in their lives, is truly an inspiration to me every time I hear it.  I hope it blesses you as well.

How much farther must I go
Till you say that I’m broken
How much heartache must I know
For you to say, “Enough’s enough,”

How many teardrops have to fall
For you to see that I’m empty
Is the reason for this all
So I’ll admit I’m not so tough

So come and stop the bleeding
I think I finally understand
So come and stop the bleeding
I know you can

How much desert must I cross
Till I come to the Jordan?
I am thirsty and I’m lost
My heart is weak and empty now

So come and stop the bleeding
I think I finally understand
So come and stop the bleeding
I’ve tried to fix this but I can’t

So come and stop the bleeding
I know you can

So come and stop the bleeding
I think I finally understand
So come and stop the bleeding
I’ve tried to fix this but I can’t

So come and bring the healing
I think I’ve had all I can stand
So come and stop the bleeding
If you can 

Come and stop the bleeding
I know you can 

Bethany Dillon – Hallelujah

Who can hold the stars
And my weary heart?
Who can see everything?

I’ve fallen so hard
Sometimes I feel so far
But not beyond your reach

I could climb a mountain
Swim the ocean
Or do anything
But it’s when you hold me
That I start unfolding
And all I can say is

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

The same sun that
Rises over castles
And welcomes the day

Spills over buildings
Into the streets
Where orphans play

And only you can see the good
In broken things
You took my heart of stone
And you made it home
And set this prisoner free

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
Help me to sing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Whatever’s in front of me
I’ll choose to sing hallelujah

– Bethany Dillon

This is for me, this is for you, this is for a few special friends.  This is for all of you who have come by this site, on purpose or by accident, and need reminded to sing hallelujah no matter what comes.  God is so good.

Third Day – I Will Hold My Head High

Sometimes the night starts closing in
And I’ve lost my way home again
I’m running out of places I can turn
Enemies on every side
Not a friend around for miles
That’s the time it really starts to hurt

Beat me up and drag me down
I’ll never be afraid

I will hold my head high
Lift my hands to the sky
Rise above all who try to bring me down
I will hold my head high

I know you said it’d be okay
Sometimes I question just the same
I wonder if my problems are too small
Then I look back and realize
All your pain and sacrifice
Oh and how you suffered for us all

Beat me up and drag me down
I’ll never be afraid

Beat me up and drag me down
And lock me in or keep me out
Whatever they may throw at me
I’ll turn into a song for you

– Third Day

Amy Grant – Better Than A Hallelujah

God loves a lullaby
In a mother’s tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes
God loves the drunkard’s cry
The soldier’s plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what’s been done
The silence when the words won’t come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

{Amy Grant}

Jeremy Camp – You Never Let Go

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

(Chorus)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

(Chorus)

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

You Never Let Go – Jeremy Camp