Here I am Lord, send me

After this long night, it will be the time for my now annual checkup to make sure my body is doing a good enough job housing my donor liver and that nothing has turned hostile.

Today is the day I get to remember what’s actually possible and how grateful I am that it hasn’t occurred. …yet…

Every 6 months, I need to get a CT scan and labs done to ensure my body is still cancer-free. We look at organs, tumor markers, you name it – just looking for anything we can find to be wrong.

No matter how much faith I have, how many people I have rooting for me, no matter how much strength I can muster to get through each day, every 6 months I am left in a place I’d rather not revisit.  After all, it wasn’t but a little over 2 years ago when on this visit, I found out a tumor plagued my liver and I’d be instantly put on the transplant list.  What a difference an afternoon makes.  Oh, how ignorance is truly bliss.

The what’s and when’s replay in my mind even when I shoot them down. The statistics of recurring tumors and cancer and even kidney failure as a result of my medications… So many complications wouldn’t be a surprise. I’ve given up on sleep tonight.  I usually handle this better – much better – but lately, I’m just sick of being the patient.

Yet I know even if the worst did happen, I’d get through it just like I got through the past 20 years of sick and surgery and struggle. I’d get through it with my God and the wonderful people He has put into my life.

Aren’t we promised we have nothing to fear? Then why am I curled up in fear pleading with God to knock me out or let the Ativan kick in

This is uncensored real life, everyone. Sometimes there’s just no point hiding behind the wall.  This is me, and when you, God forbid, get to a similar point in your life, you’ll understand.

Please pray for me today for…
1) the stamina to get through a grocery list of tests and appointments
2) kindness when it’s the hardest
3) God’s will be done
4) I maintain an open, accepting spirit. “Here I am, Lord, send me.”

 Kelly Clarkson: Up to the Mountian

Oh, this is what it feels like…

I love you all and pray this away from each and every one of you. ❤  Please pray I get through this, one day at a time.

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2 thoughts on “Here I am Lord, send me

  1. Dear Amanda,
    My name is Wendy. God sent me here I knew this as soon as you popped up. Let me explain. I am going through the process of being placed on a liver transplant list. The task of just getting on it is extremely daunting and erratic. So I had been thinking that I should start video taping and documenting everything. And I mean everything . So in trying to educate myself on the best way to start I just randomly googled how to chronicle organ transplant? Needless to say tons of stuff came up but something told me to look at yours. Of you have any suggestions I would appreciate them. Like I said I intend on documenting all of it I feel this is what God is calling me to do . Thank You God Bless Wendy

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