Saying goodbye…

Last night when I walked in the door, a barefoot 2 year old with wet curly hair and pink pajamas came charging at me with a huge hug.  I greeted her with the same enthusiasm.  Yes, she loves me, but she was also extra excited because I was spending the night.  Her mom is having a Tuesday PM Bible study on Fearless by Max Lucado, so I figured since I have the girls the next day, I might as well spend the night instead of go home after the study.  It was a great day and a great night.

As I sit at this blank box, glance around the room, look at the clock above me… I cannot think of a single word.  This is not my home; this is the home I come to as a nanny for two precious little girls.  This is the home I won’t be able to be in until I’m healthy and strong.  Their mom is concerned about their germs and my low immunity, plus if I get a liver call and I have the girls, I’d have to somehow take them somewhere safe and get to Cleveland in 2 hours.  It’s just not feasible.

Today I sat down with Laney (2 1/2) and said we needed to talk, “Miss Amanda won’t be here anymore for a while.  This is my last day.  Do you remember Miss Amanda said she had something wrong in her tummy and the doctor will have to take it out?”  Laney nodded.  ”Well, thats what he’s going to do.  So I will be in the hospital and won’t be able to watch you…” Before I could continue, “Who will watch me? Mommy?!” She was so excited, “No, sweetie, a nice girl named Maggie.  She goes to your church and she is my friend from school.  She loves kids and crafts, and you will have so much fun!”  After thinking for a few quiet seconds, Laney asked me, “When you be back?”  I told her that I wasn’t sure, but I couldn’t wait and would be back as soon as possible.  I told her sometimes (pre-transplant) I might go on adventures with her, her mommy, and her baby sister just for fun.  She got so excited.  I told her I loved her so much and would definitely come back, and she gave me a hug and a kiss.

Next we went to the basement and I had her lay on rolled white paper.  I traced her body and we colored it in, adding clothes, accessories, stickers, and even rhinestones!  We’d done this before, but this time was special because Laney said I can take it to the “doctors”, as she calls the hospital.  I said, “Yep, and when your mommy brings you to see me, it will be right on the wall!  I’ll have you with me all the time.”

And then I cried.

I’m finding out there’s a lot to lose and even more to cry about than I ever would have imagined.  I’m learning that going up this mountain isn’t a simple feat, but instead an uncertain, life changing, confusing, doubtful climb.  But Praise God He’s here with me.  Although most of my life has, at this point, been stripped away all in preparation for some great unknown, we have the victory.


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