Today began well and ended poorly. I think I’m into “reality” mode and this is all becoming so real. As I lose each and every part of my life as I put education, jobs, and plans on hold, I realize I have nothing but a bad surprise out there in the air. I can’t plan around it since it’ll be random, completely unknown when my life changes. I can’t try to plan sort-of around it, because it’ll be random, a date off in the distance. I can’t pretend to keep all my neat, Coach datebook meticulously in order because well, it’ll be random when my life changes forever and all my plans are put on hold.
Right now, my schedule exists of doing any thing I can with friends or family, a lot of resting, and going along with any appointment my coordinators schedule for me. Other than that, I’m bored, lonely, and scared of the unknown. I’m too weak to do too much, so sometimes that hinders the already frustrating.
I spent a good portion of the evening crying on the phone with my mom and letting a friend calm me down. I’ve fought so hard, so long. I’m so tired.
My sweet “nanny family” surprised me today with Main Street Cupcakes (mmm!), a beautiful photo albums with pictures, each with a scripture, and a sweet chalkboard and ribbon flower pot with a beautiful fuchsia flower growing out of it.
I just had to share this part – I was eating lunch with the two year old and just out of the blue, she says, “Miss Amanda, are you sick?” She looked so confused, and I was caught off guard. I caught my breath and remembered her mom telling me how they prayed for me in their bedtime prayers, so I said, “Yes, Laney, I’m sick.” Next, “Does you have a boo boo?” I told her, “Yep, something is wrong inside Miss Amanda’s tummy. But don’t worry – Jesus and the doctors is going to make it all better.”
I sent a letter to all of my babysitting parents to let them know I’m taking an official leave until I’m recovered. I’ve received a lot of love and support from them, and if they’re reading, thank you.
As for God, HIS way is perfect.